Inside the Tornado's Cage

Before the start of summer I informed my husband of what he needed to be aware of as far as my behavior and my tells and ticks that will clue him in to my mental state.  I made sure he understood how important this was...  and all summer long he has ignored every sign to the point where our son has to tell him that I'm in bad shape and need to leave and by the time it gets to that point...  it's too late.   I'm done.  I'm incapable.  I'm a wreck. I get one day a week to sleep in...  unless I have to do rounds that day.  Well...  after two weeks I finally got a day to sleep in and was doing great until the husband's alarm went off...  and kept going off until I woke up enough to say, "Turn it off please." He wants to attend an event downtown.  Invites his parents.  Does not tell our son.  Our son wants to do a few specific things today - nothing time consuming just certain places he wants to go and I told him I'd t...

There's something about being sent home from work 45 minutes early because the one person who understood that you were in the midst of a depression and dealing with some awful rough shit said things that, in your frame of mind, were designed to cut.  So piss me off to the point where I don't want to look at you...  after promising me the day before that I'd get to go home early just to have that promise be retracted because the same fucking bitch called in sick...  again.  Every other Saturday she's scheduled to work with us from 9-4 and she either cons someone into letting her work the sister clinic, which closes two hours earlier, or she calls in sick...  or comes in and acts like she's dieing until someone gets sick of it and sends her home.  But the boss doesn't think it's suspicious because she "looked sick" the day before and he'd sent her home three hours early...  but she'd been scheduled for rounds on Sunday and had asked not to be...

A full week of embracing my depression. Nobody, not a single person, has asked me if I'm all right or how I'm doing. As a society - we don't ask if we know the answer will be bad.  We will not genuinely ask someone who is obviously not okay if they're doing all right because we don't want to deal with it. Furthermore, you get someone who complains frequently and you're even less likely to ask when they start to slide. This just makes the slide happen faster. Yes I stated, in a roundabout way, that I am someone who complains frequently.  Recognizing and admitting that I have a flaw is the first step in reducing or removing that flaw...  So while I sit around and nobody says anything, and nobody says anything when I mention how I've not been feeling well lately...  it just solidifies the concept that nobody cares. It doesn't matter how true it is, and it doesn't matter that I know it's not true and it doesn't matter that intellectuall...

Living in a fog that nobody can see.  Knowing that telling them, spelling it out...  it leads to being treated in certain ways and they're not the ways in which I wish to be treated when I feel this way.  When this fog takes over and nothing matters and I don't care and I forget and I feel eternally bad.  I feel bad because I don't care, and I forget...  and when I remember I forgot I suddenly care too much and then I cry because I forgot and because it means I'm letting it interfere but I can't care because nothing matters and nobody sees but even if they see-even if I tell them they don't care.  Or they do care but I don't see it as caring because no one ever responds the way they're supposed to and I don't know what I want them to do except to just leave me the fuck alone. I can't stop thinking about what I would do if I didn't have to go to work.  How I would spend my morning.  This isn't just today, this is everyday and every week i...

Why are people asking for proof of personal experiences. It's almost ridiculous. I can't state that I've seen something happening without notarized screen shots, minimum four impartial witnesses of gender and/or race other than my own, video that is proven "untampered" by at least 3 independent sources and/or links to video of the same incident posted/shared by approximately half a dozen total strangers . Personal experience is no longer a valid thing. You thought the Grand Canyon was beautiful? Well, the general consensus is that it's a blight on the earth so you. are. wrong. Unless you can prove that the Grand Canyon is beautiful your words will be disregarded. Anything that happens in a room with closed doors and no recording devices installed and operated by a neutral third party - didn't happen. Since when do we require the same level of exhaustive evidence gathering from our friends and family in regards to their life experience that we r...

This...  the fac- I've determined that my attempts at using social media have been abject failures because of my refusal to do it the "right way."  When I follow the rules everything goes well, everyone loves me and everyone is happy...  but the moment I try to change things up, start a conversation...  it just blows up.  I have no idea if it's why two people whom I've always considered two of the most important people...  to no longer associate with me on social media or not.  Neither of them gave any indication that they saw the posts and conversations that have pushed me over the brink and into this abyss of obsessive depression but the timing of their actions is quite a coincidence otherwise. In fact, I was clinging to a tenacious little tree growing out of the cliff face until their actions caused my branch to snap and now I'm just swimming in the river of self-pity, depression and thoughts of being a complete and utter failure.  Because ...

Waking up this morning I felt incredibly angry and, as a result, couldn't go back to sleep for the last twenty minutes.  I spent years creating a safe space for myself online, where I could share my opinion whether it was "popular" or not and the people surrounding me wouldn't attack - they would discuss but not downright attack. But yesterday people I consider friends treated me in a fashion which I would never treat them, demanded that I provide proof and essentially refused to listen to me.  I was insulted and offended by the simple fact that nobody would listen, read what I was saying or even make a cursory attempt at seeing things from my perspective.  An argument makes no progress if someone won't make an attempt to listen to what the other side has to say.  If one does not take into consideration the life experience, education and intelligence of the person to whom they are speaking, they will find themselves incapable of being heard...or even listening...

In that moment when you realize that what you're striving to achieve is never going to happen.  But more than that, the thing you're looking for and pretty sure you need is not there, it was never there and despite all your trying and years of counting small victories as successes...  nothing has truly changed and the moments you recall and wish to re-create will not be done in this place. So you move on and move around and move back and shimmy and shake and start over for the hundredth time or more.  So many empty promises remain on the tips of my fingers but it's foolish to let them come out and tempt anyone with their song because despite my current resolution my history shows that there's not much to look forward to. The biggest issue, truly, is that people seem to have lost the ability to listen.  There is the way they see a situation and that is final.  There is no room for discussion - there is no questioning on how one reached this point...  the...