Friendship
This... the fac-
I've determined that my attempts at using social media have been abject failures because of my refusal to do it the "right way." When I follow the rules everything goes well, everyone loves me and everyone is happy... but the moment I try to change things up, start a conversation... it just blows up. I have no idea if it's why two people whom I've always considered two of the most important people... to no longer associate with me on social media or not. Neither of them gave any indication that they saw the posts and conversations that have pushed me over the brink and into this abyss of obsessive depression but the timing of their actions is quite a coincidence otherwise.
In fact, I was clinging to a tenacious little tree growing out of the cliff face until their actions caused my branch to snap and now I'm just swimming in the river of self-pity, depression and thoughts of being a complete and utter failure. Because - hey! That's how my brain works. It's great. The tornadoes are unleashed.
For almost twenty years I've counted her as one of my best friends and when I think of everything she's done for me and everything we've been through together I can't help but love her and miss her and be very, very hurt by her actions. But at the same time it seems as though she's been pushing me away for quite some time... and none of our mutual friends talk about her and I don't want to bring it up. Why? Because she's done this before. Goes dark. No contact, no explanation, complete ghost. I could call her and see what's up but she knows that making phone calls gives me incredible anxiety. The stress of a recent medical situation, an impending potential move I've been able to get zero information on despite asking multiple times what is going on... and then the package containing items I was promised upon their demise. Items hand-made by them for me many years ago, but kept within their possession. Events lead me to believe that they are withdrawing and refocusing but in the past they've always given warning before doing so. Also, I've spoken to them multiple times about the constant removing and adding as friends - if they need to step away they can step away or make posts private they do not need to unfriend everyone in order to go dark or create a new profile every time they have a personality crisis or crisis of conscience, or life affirming experience. But I find it odd the friends they chose to keep... and it seems as though everyone near and dear is no longer near.
I've been playing this game with them for quite some time. I was the first one they disappeared on. They moved out of the apartment below me while I was at work and I didn't hear from them for over 2 years and then only because they were able to get a letter to me at my parent's house. Come to find out that they had cut off ties with everyone shortly after skipping town and were just now re-connecting. Then the multiple times they'd go dark, no contact, no response... cut off the internet... usually after a medical issue or the death of a loved one, but increasingly over things that had no explanation... until months later when the only excuse given is a weak, "I'm crazy and I have to learn to accept that." Why are they removing people from their lives over a strange vibe from a person with known depression issues and suicidal tendencies who is raising an amazingly gifted child on her own? Why are the close friends who gave them emotional and physical support during a the recent medical crisis suddenly removed?
The last time they did this and I persisted with contacting them until they responded to me I was met with hostility and a request to not call them... but that they would contact me when they were ready. When they finally did contact me they acted as though nothing had happened and deflected all my questions about it. There has been an attitude of, "We've forgiven and forgotten, never mind, it's in the past, we don't want to talk about it because we don't want to invite negativity."
But if I did something you didn't like so much that you felt the need to take a break from our friendship... and you never tell me what I did... how the hell can I make sure to not do it again?
Over the last year, but particularly the last few months there has been some definite drawing away. For a moment it seemed as though she were coming back, our messages were frequent and upbeat, we were talking about every day shit and I was starting to once again get a glimpse into her life... then she disappeared. Psychotic break. She got back on track and was even more distant than she had been before... so I wonder if the closeness we were experiencing was her final hurrah (mentally) or if that was the psychosis starting. I'd hate to think it were either to be honest with you but I'm at the point where my friend is gone and I have to accept that and I'm literally in fucking mourning and I can't explain it to anyone. She has been drawing away, not letting me in to her life and her thoughts... and not having any interest in mine... and she sends me shit I'm not supposed to get until she's dead right before cutting me off online right at the time she's supposed to be moving.
So yeah. I'm sure she'll come out of whatever rocks she's hidden under at some point but a part of me is scared that she won't... and a part of me is re-thinking my response if she does.
I am too fucking fragile to deal with this shit and if its been determined that I'm a toxic person in her life, that's fine - because this on again off again thing is toxic to me.
I've determined that my attempts at using social media have been abject failures because of my refusal to do it the "right way." When I follow the rules everything goes well, everyone loves me and everyone is happy... but the moment I try to change things up, start a conversation... it just blows up. I have no idea if it's why two people whom I've always considered two of the most important people... to no longer associate with me on social media or not. Neither of them gave any indication that they saw the posts and conversations that have pushed me over the brink and into this abyss of obsessive depression but the timing of their actions is quite a coincidence otherwise.
In fact, I was clinging to a tenacious little tree growing out of the cliff face until their actions caused my branch to snap and now I'm just swimming in the river of self-pity, depression and thoughts of being a complete and utter failure. Because - hey! That's how my brain works. It's great. The tornadoes are unleashed.
For almost twenty years I've counted her as one of my best friends and when I think of everything she's done for me and everything we've been through together I can't help but love her and miss her and be very, very hurt by her actions. But at the same time it seems as though she's been pushing me away for quite some time... and none of our mutual friends talk about her and I don't want to bring it up. Why? Because she's done this before. Goes dark. No contact, no explanation, complete ghost. I could call her and see what's up but she knows that making phone calls gives me incredible anxiety. The stress of a recent medical situation, an impending potential move I've been able to get zero information on despite asking multiple times what is going on... and then the package containing items I was promised upon their demise. Items hand-made by them for me many years ago, but kept within their possession. Events lead me to believe that they are withdrawing and refocusing but in the past they've always given warning before doing so. Also, I've spoken to them multiple times about the constant removing and adding as friends - if they need to step away they can step away or make posts private they do not need to unfriend everyone in order to go dark or create a new profile every time they have a personality crisis or crisis of conscience, or life affirming experience. But I find it odd the friends they chose to keep... and it seems as though everyone near and dear is no longer near.
I've been playing this game with them for quite some time. I was the first one they disappeared on. They moved out of the apartment below me while I was at work and I didn't hear from them for over 2 years and then only because they were able to get a letter to me at my parent's house. Come to find out that they had cut off ties with everyone shortly after skipping town and were just now re-connecting. Then the multiple times they'd go dark, no contact, no response... cut off the internet... usually after a medical issue or the death of a loved one, but increasingly over things that had no explanation... until months later when the only excuse given is a weak, "I'm crazy and I have to learn to accept that." Why are they removing people from their lives over a strange vibe from a person with known depression issues and suicidal tendencies who is raising an amazingly gifted child on her own? Why are the close friends who gave them emotional and physical support during a the recent medical crisis suddenly removed?
The last time they did this and I persisted with contacting them until they responded to me I was met with hostility and a request to not call them... but that they would contact me when they were ready. When they finally did contact me they acted as though nothing had happened and deflected all my questions about it. There has been an attitude of, "We've forgiven and forgotten, never mind, it's in the past, we don't want to talk about it because we don't want to invite negativity."
But if I did something you didn't like so much that you felt the need to take a break from our friendship... and you never tell me what I did... how the hell can I make sure to not do it again?
Over the last year, but particularly the last few months there has been some definite drawing away. For a moment it seemed as though she were coming back, our messages were frequent and upbeat, we were talking about every day shit and I was starting to once again get a glimpse into her life... then she disappeared. Psychotic break. She got back on track and was even more distant than she had been before... so I wonder if the closeness we were experiencing was her final hurrah (mentally) or if that was the psychosis starting. I'd hate to think it were either to be honest with you but I'm at the point where my friend is gone and I have to accept that and I'm literally in fucking mourning and I can't explain it to anyone. She has been drawing away, not letting me in to her life and her thoughts... and not having any interest in mine... and she sends me shit I'm not supposed to get until she's dead right before cutting me off online right at the time she's supposed to be moving.
So yeah. I'm sure she'll come out of whatever rocks she's hidden under at some point but a part of me is scared that she won't... and a part of me is re-thinking my response if she does.
I am too fucking fragile to deal with this shit and if its been determined that I'm a toxic person in her life, that's fine - because this on again off again thing is toxic to me.
Comments
Post a Comment