Response
Waking up this morning I felt incredibly angry and, as a result, couldn't go back to sleep for the last twenty minutes. I spent years creating a safe space for myself online, where I could share my opinion whether it was "popular" or not and the people surrounding me wouldn't attack - they would discuss but not downright attack.
But yesterday people I consider friends treated me in a fashion which I would never treat them, demanded that I provide proof and essentially refused to listen to me. I was insulted and offended by the simple fact that nobody would listen, read what I was saying or even make a cursory attempt at seeing things from my perspective.
An argument makes no progress if someone won't make an attempt to listen to what the other side has to say. If one does not take into consideration the life experience, education and intelligence of the person to whom they are speaking, they will find themselves incapable of being heard...or even listening. As far as I'm concerned the fellow middle aged lady with a college education... I expected better. To be attacked for my views and required to provide proof...
Proof of what? Proof of the fact that I've seen people get offended because of shared public images. She wanted proof, stated that I gave her one example and thus it was "not a trend" but she suspected it would be the only example given. This was in response to my experiences and things I've seen - she discounted because she has not seen it herself. (For the record we have 8 mutual friends on social media so I imagine our feeds are pretty damn different.) I hid the post before I shot back with how I was not going to pour through months worth of browser history and comb through my friend's profiles to find the other incidents. I should have said it... and I should have also pointed out that the most recent incident - and the straw that broke the camel's back... happened the same day on one of her own posts, and she immediately blew the person off with a nonsense response along the lines of, "I used the image so I wouldn't have to re-type the information." Furthermore, she attacked with vitriol my opinion on other topics in the post, and this I saw as her inability to view the world a different way. It's something I've suspected about she and her husband in the past, but I got my confirmation last night... kind and generous, compassionate people... but they see the world in a very specific way and are incredibly narrow minded about it.
However. To refer to them as narrow-minded would have me looked at sideways... After all, they are Christian and Liberal and Scientists and they have a child who is Trans and they are Gender Noncomforming and one of them is Bisexual and one of them is Mixed Race.
So they get to tick off all the little boxes and that makes them... just great and absolute authorities.
Quick heads-up.
Narrow-minded people are not all bigots.
Some seriously enlightened people are narrow minded.
When you are unwilling to listen to something you do not agree with... you're narrow minded... and this can be anyone from the ignorant ass raised in a cave who pumps your gas to the current POTUS.
I didn't expect the twenty-something to respond with grace and aplomb as she's done nothing to demonstrate that she possesses those qualities in the almost ten years I've known her. In fact, that entire conversation went exactly how I thought it would. She didn't comment on my post and instead made a post of her own that was clearly a response to a portion of my longer post... and then she ignored it for hours. A friend of hers came in and responded to my well-thought out reply which inspired a longer and even more well thought out reply. As the conversation progressed I felt it was going fairly well, the friend seemed to be listening and we were civil and making points but there were... four exchanges... then they brought Jesus into the discussion... and I deflected that quite obviously as I will not tolerate people attempting to turn a discussion about morals into an attempt to convert me... and then my friend, the original poster... hit the ground running. Angry. Righteous anger all over the place about how unfair the world is and how wrong I am and how she gets it but she hates it and she refuses.
At this moment I remembered exactly what it felt like to be her age, her experience, and to hear that the world is the way it is and my behavior makes a HUGE difference to influencing the people around me and how I influence them dictates how they influence me and if I want happiness and joy I have to stop spewing anger into the world or that is all I will be. I remember learning to still feel that anger, but not to scream it from the mountaintops, bus stops, check-out counters and street corners of my life at EVERY WAKING MOMENT because that will literally poison my life, my experiences and my relationships... I remembered this and I penned a reply to her with all of this in mind and she jumped down my throat again, called me wrong again, disagreed with reality and used the inherent unfairness of life as an excuse for her spewing vitriol at every moment.
Then her friends started chiming in and I was literally bullied by a bunch of fucking children. No one was reading what I was saying, no one was listening to my points, I was simply wrong... and not only was I wrong... but I didn't understand and could never understand and what they don't understand is that they are an almost exact replica of my own circle of friends when I was their age and the only difference is that my friends grew up in California and they grew up in the Bible Belt. Unfortunately they are unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions and will continue to perform hypocrisies and allow their anger to fester... the worst part is when they attack their own allies. I wouldn't turn against the entire group because of the actions of a few... but there are people in the world who will. There are people in the world who will allow any experience they have with people like her to color their view because of her attitude. It's a fact of human nature and the denial of that is a denial of reality. But the righteous anger of youth and refusal to attempt empathy while screaming to have your own viewpoint respected.
How can I respect you when everything you tell me I can't or shouldn't do is something you do on a regular basis and - when I call you on your hypocrisy - you defend your actions by immediately claiming everything that makes you different, marginalized, a minority... as a justification for being an asshole?
How does this make you better than the white cis-hetero male politicians who are destroying your rights? It doesn't.
How do you prove them wrong when they are saying everything that makes you different makes you a danger to society and you run around acting like an asshole? Answer: You don't.
I don't say to lay down and meekly accept it, to smile and take it... but if you throw Jesus into the conversation and then refuse to acknowledge the lesson of turning the other cheek maybe you should leave Jesus out of it. However, I would never require that of someone. Don't turn the other cheek, defend yourself - but do it with logic and reason - channel your anger - don't mutter about how white men are the devil because one sat down next to you on the bus. Grow the fuck up.
But yesterday people I consider friends treated me in a fashion which I would never treat them, demanded that I provide proof and essentially refused to listen to me. I was insulted and offended by the simple fact that nobody would listen, read what I was saying or even make a cursory attempt at seeing things from my perspective.
An argument makes no progress if someone won't make an attempt to listen to what the other side has to say. If one does not take into consideration the life experience, education and intelligence of the person to whom they are speaking, they will find themselves incapable of being heard...or even listening. As far as I'm concerned the fellow middle aged lady with a college education... I expected better. To be attacked for my views and required to provide proof...
Proof of what? Proof of the fact that I've seen people get offended because of shared public images. She wanted proof, stated that I gave her one example and thus it was "not a trend" but she suspected it would be the only example given. This was in response to my experiences and things I've seen - she discounted because she has not seen it herself. (For the record we have 8 mutual friends on social media so I imagine our feeds are pretty damn different.) I hid the post before I shot back with how I was not going to pour through months worth of browser history and comb through my friend's profiles to find the other incidents. I should have said it... and I should have also pointed out that the most recent incident - and the straw that broke the camel's back... happened the same day on one of her own posts, and she immediately blew the person off with a nonsense response along the lines of, "I used the image so I wouldn't have to re-type the information." Furthermore, she attacked with vitriol my opinion on other topics in the post, and this I saw as her inability to view the world a different way. It's something I've suspected about she and her husband in the past, but I got my confirmation last night... kind and generous, compassionate people... but they see the world in a very specific way and are incredibly narrow minded about it.
However. To refer to them as narrow-minded would have me looked at sideways... After all, they are Christian and Liberal and Scientists and they have a child who is Trans and they are Gender Noncomforming and one of them is Bisexual and one of them is Mixed Race.
So they get to tick off all the little boxes and that makes them... just great and absolute authorities.
Quick heads-up.
Narrow-minded people are not all bigots.
Some seriously enlightened people are narrow minded.
When you are unwilling to listen to something you do not agree with... you're narrow minded... and this can be anyone from the ignorant ass raised in a cave who pumps your gas to the current POTUS.
I didn't expect the twenty-something to respond with grace and aplomb as she's done nothing to demonstrate that she possesses those qualities in the almost ten years I've known her. In fact, that entire conversation went exactly how I thought it would. She didn't comment on my post and instead made a post of her own that was clearly a response to a portion of my longer post... and then she ignored it for hours. A friend of hers came in and responded to my well-thought out reply which inspired a longer and even more well thought out reply. As the conversation progressed I felt it was going fairly well, the friend seemed to be listening and we were civil and making points but there were... four exchanges... then they brought Jesus into the discussion... and I deflected that quite obviously as I will not tolerate people attempting to turn a discussion about morals into an attempt to convert me... and then my friend, the original poster... hit the ground running. Angry. Righteous anger all over the place about how unfair the world is and how wrong I am and how she gets it but she hates it and she refuses.
At this moment I remembered exactly what it felt like to be her age, her experience, and to hear that the world is the way it is and my behavior makes a HUGE difference to influencing the people around me and how I influence them dictates how they influence me and if I want happiness and joy I have to stop spewing anger into the world or that is all I will be. I remember learning to still feel that anger, but not to scream it from the mountaintops, bus stops, check-out counters and street corners of my life at EVERY WAKING MOMENT because that will literally poison my life, my experiences and my relationships... I remembered this and I penned a reply to her with all of this in mind and she jumped down my throat again, called me wrong again, disagreed with reality and used the inherent unfairness of life as an excuse for her spewing vitriol at every moment.
Then her friends started chiming in and I was literally bullied by a bunch of fucking children. No one was reading what I was saying, no one was listening to my points, I was simply wrong... and not only was I wrong... but I didn't understand and could never understand and what they don't understand is that they are an almost exact replica of my own circle of friends when I was their age and the only difference is that my friends grew up in California and they grew up in the Bible Belt. Unfortunately they are unwilling to accept responsibility for their own actions and will continue to perform hypocrisies and allow their anger to fester... the worst part is when they attack their own allies. I wouldn't turn against the entire group because of the actions of a few... but there are people in the world who will. There are people in the world who will allow any experience they have with people like her to color their view because of her attitude. It's a fact of human nature and the denial of that is a denial of reality. But the righteous anger of youth and refusal to attempt empathy while screaming to have your own viewpoint respected.
How can I respect you when everything you tell me I can't or shouldn't do is something you do on a regular basis and - when I call you on your hypocrisy - you defend your actions by immediately claiming everything that makes you different, marginalized, a minority... as a justification for being an asshole?
How does this make you better than the white cis-hetero male politicians who are destroying your rights? It doesn't.
How do you prove them wrong when they are saying everything that makes you different makes you a danger to society and you run around acting like an asshole? Answer: You don't.
I don't say to lay down and meekly accept it, to smile and take it... but if you throw Jesus into the conversation and then refuse to acknowledge the lesson of turning the other cheek maybe you should leave Jesus out of it. However, I would never require that of someone. Don't turn the other cheek, defend yourself - but do it with logic and reason - channel your anger - don't mutter about how white men are the devil because one sat down next to you on the bus. Grow the fuck up.
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