September Depression
Living in a fog that nobody can see. Knowing that telling them, spelling it out... it leads to being treated in certain ways and they're not the ways in which I wish to be treated when I feel this way. When this fog takes over and nothing matters and I don't care and I forget and I feel eternally bad. I feel bad because I don't care, and I forget... and when I remember I forgot I suddenly care too much and then I cry because I forgot and because it means I'm letting it interfere but I can't care because nothing matters and nobody sees but even if they see-even if I tell them they don't care. Or they do care but I don't see it as caring because no one ever responds the way they're supposed to and I don't know what I want them to do except to just leave me the fuck alone.
I can't stop thinking about what I would do if I didn't have to go to work. How I would spend my morning. This isn't just today, this is everyday and every week it gets more important... the stuff I would do if I were not at work. The way I would spend my time if I were not there is infinitely preferable and the anxiety I feel before having to go to work is so bad.
I can't eat. I'm sad and anxious all the time and those words do not explain it.
The impending sense of doom and fucked up haze through which I view the world. The moments of pure pleasure are too short and always shattered in such an epic fashion that I saw coming but could do nothing to stop... because I'm too nice and too considerate of the feelings of others and too unwilling to offend.
Eating has become the impossible task. No matter how delicious the food. No matter how much I want it. No matter if it's junk or healthy or what. I eat a few bites and then everything else is choking it down. Big mouthfuls of water in between each bite because even though it tastes so good my body is rebelling against it. I can be starving and I will push aside my plate because I am going to vomit. My stomach growls. I can't eat. I put it in my mouth and I chew it and my throat closes up and my salivary glands kick into overdrive and my stomach yearns for the food but the door closes. I cry because I'm so hungry but my brain won't let me eat and I don't know why.
I keep wondering when I won't be able to get out of bed. How much longer until I wake up one morning and it's just not worth it. I suppose my fear of that day is what keeps it at bay, along with my healthy sense of responsibility but that there might be the death of me... might be what makes me finally snap. Sometimes I think it would be very nice to go on a mental vacation but at the same time the thought of completely losing myself in that way is absolutely terrifying. Especially from what I've seen, and what others have told me regarding their loved ones... people don't always come back from that the same person. They seem a little "off" for a very long time, if not forever. Watching friends go through this and having that mental break is so... enviable and yet they maintain a permanent fragility that scares me.
I still can't fathom social media. It's just a huge pile of sentient Vomit that is constantly complaining about itself. Complaining that nobody is listening with our fingers in our ears, complaining that nobody is sharing new ideas or ways of actually fixing problems while ignoring the idea people and insisting their ideas won't work because of all the ways they inconvenience you... while raving about the third remake of a shitty movie.
If someone shares sorrow we maintain a sense of distance and our heart emojis and strings of x's and o's give us validation and if it's us we count those likes... how many people are paying attention to our grief.
If it's joy we share we watch our likes because we want to know just how many people saw our triumph, or enviable perfect moment, our beautiful luck... and we like it because we're supposed to while inside we burn with a sense of apathetic jealousy. We either wish we were there, wish we could afford to be there someday, wish we could take a photograph that good or wish you would quit bragging about your perfect fucking life.
If there's too much sorrow you are a downer and I can't follow you. Same with angry all the time. Sad + Angry = Unfriend. Sorry if your life sucks and you're going through some shit, but I can't handle your negativity. <---- This is a bullshit attitude.
So we bury it.
If your posts are always happy nobody unfriends you but they all hate you.
You know they hate you, and that's why you place so much value on those likes.
Some people manage to do it right, they find the balance and maintain it, or are just interesting/likable enough people that they can keep from offending folks with their daily anecdotes.
But gods forbid anyone have an opinion or wish to complain about something-especially if it's something trivial. If you want to get something off your chest do not turn to social media talk to your pet and if you don't have a pet talk to a stuffed animal or a portrait of your favorite celebrity I do not care just don't fucking share it unless you can do it with a meme that a minimum of 55% of your friends and/or liked pages that a minimum of 25 of your friends also like have shared the same meme. After all - you gotta bleet.
I can't stop thinking about what I would do if I didn't have to go to work. How I would spend my morning. This isn't just today, this is everyday and every week it gets more important... the stuff I would do if I were not at work. The way I would spend my time if I were not there is infinitely preferable and the anxiety I feel before having to go to work is so bad.
I can't eat. I'm sad and anxious all the time and those words do not explain it.
The impending sense of doom and fucked up haze through which I view the world. The moments of pure pleasure are too short and always shattered in such an epic fashion that I saw coming but could do nothing to stop... because I'm too nice and too considerate of the feelings of others and too unwilling to offend.
Eating has become the impossible task. No matter how delicious the food. No matter how much I want it. No matter if it's junk or healthy or what. I eat a few bites and then everything else is choking it down. Big mouthfuls of water in between each bite because even though it tastes so good my body is rebelling against it. I can be starving and I will push aside my plate because I am going to vomit. My stomach growls. I can't eat. I put it in my mouth and I chew it and my throat closes up and my salivary glands kick into overdrive and my stomach yearns for the food but the door closes. I cry because I'm so hungry but my brain won't let me eat and I don't know why.
I keep wondering when I won't be able to get out of bed. How much longer until I wake up one morning and it's just not worth it. I suppose my fear of that day is what keeps it at bay, along with my healthy sense of responsibility but that there might be the death of me... might be what makes me finally snap. Sometimes I think it would be very nice to go on a mental vacation but at the same time the thought of completely losing myself in that way is absolutely terrifying. Especially from what I've seen, and what others have told me regarding their loved ones... people don't always come back from that the same person. They seem a little "off" for a very long time, if not forever. Watching friends go through this and having that mental break is so... enviable and yet they maintain a permanent fragility that scares me.
I still can't fathom social media. It's just a huge pile of sentient Vomit that is constantly complaining about itself. Complaining that nobody is listening with our fingers in our ears, complaining that nobody is sharing new ideas or ways of actually fixing problems while ignoring the idea people and insisting their ideas won't work because of all the ways they inconvenience you... while raving about the third remake of a shitty movie.
If someone shares sorrow we maintain a sense of distance and our heart emojis and strings of x's and o's give us validation and if it's us we count those likes... how many people are paying attention to our grief.
If it's joy we share we watch our likes because we want to know just how many people saw our triumph, or enviable perfect moment, our beautiful luck... and we like it because we're supposed to while inside we burn with a sense of apathetic jealousy. We either wish we were there, wish we could afford to be there someday, wish we could take a photograph that good or wish you would quit bragging about your perfect fucking life.
If there's too much sorrow you are a downer and I can't follow you. Same with angry all the time. Sad + Angry = Unfriend. Sorry if your life sucks and you're going through some shit, but I can't handle your negativity. <---- This is a bullshit attitude.
So we bury it.
If your posts are always happy nobody unfriends you but they all hate you.
You know they hate you, and that's why you place so much value on those likes.
Some people manage to do it right, they find the balance and maintain it, or are just interesting/likable enough people that they can keep from offending folks with their daily anecdotes.
But gods forbid anyone have an opinion or wish to complain about something-especially if it's something trivial. If you want to get something off your chest do not turn to social media talk to your pet and if you don't have a pet talk to a stuffed animal or a portrait of your favorite celebrity I do not care just don't fucking share it unless you can do it with a meme that a minimum of 55% of your friends and/or liked pages that a minimum of 25 of your friends also like have shared the same meme. After all - you gotta bleet.
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