expectations in depression
A full week of embracing my depression.
Nobody, not a single person, has asked me if I'm all right or how I'm doing.
As a society - we don't ask if we know the answer will be bad. We will not genuinely ask someone who is obviously not okay if they're doing all right because we don't want to deal with it.
Furthermore, you get someone who complains frequently and you're even less likely to ask when they start to slide.
This just makes the slide happen faster.
Yes I stated, in a roundabout way, that I am someone who complains frequently.
Recognizing and admitting that I have a flaw is the first step in reducing or removing that flaw...
So while I sit around and nobody says anything, and nobody says anything when I mention how I've not been feeling well lately... it just solidifies the concept that nobody cares.
It doesn't matter how true it is, and it doesn't matter that I know it's not true and it doesn't matter that intellectually I understand exactly why nobody asks and the fact that many people just don't see... I get it. But it doesn't make the emotional impact of their apparent lack of caring any easier to deal with just because I understand it. In fact, the reactions of the people around me to my horrific depression just keep me submerged and occasionally push me a little deeper.
Depression is FUCKED UP.
People don't respond the way you need them to so you don't tell them and their response to your behavior that they don't perceive as depression pushes you deeper. You tell them and they respond in a way you don't want or need them to but that they think is helpful and it pushes you deeper. People often make depression worse in others and usually with good intention.
Then you find that one person who can help you through even the worst shit..... and she comes in and out of your life like cold sore... or turns out to be a back-stabbing bitch who tells total strangers deeply personal things about you and lies to your face.
So I literally have no anchor right now and am just floating serenely on this ocean of misery and hoping that eventually I smack into an island somewhere so I can get my bearings. There are people I can talk to and turn to but I never have in these moments before and I don't quite know how to broach the subject to someone who hasn't experienced this with me...
"Hey, I love you and my person just walked out on me. I know we've never done this before but I really just need someone to talk at so I can get things off my chest. Would you mind reading my super long Emails and getting random texts throughout the day? Could you help me stay grounded and remind me that I'm awesome. It's killing me, I'll walk you through it. Please help me not go insane."
It's not something I'm particularly comfortable doing and I almost completely lost it yesterday. Last night I went to bed super early... not that I feel better rested this morning... I don't... but I went to bed over an hour earlier than usual... I almost cried quite a few times yesterday.
I got seriously pissed off at my boss yesterday and his attitude is what's going to lead me to either quit or refuse to work with the other doctor. Scheduling things on Friday so the other doctor "has things to do" and knowing that everything scheduled - especially anesthetic procedures - is sheer torment. The only answer for me is that I can work the sister clinic... but that's inconvenient for the boss because then he has to open so never mind. But ha-ha we gonna laugh because now we keeping the other doctor busy and it's just FUNNY when I get pissed off. So yesterday I didn't bite. I got irritated but when he got that smile on his face I shut down completely and left the room.
He was antagonizing me with intent to piss me off because he wanted the reaction. Not only did I not give it to him... he kept trying and each time he was bolder.
Well I forgot to post this and yesterday was not great. At one point my Office Manager asked me what was up, I told him nothing... but a couple hours later-right before we went home for the night- I gave him a brief rundown, not the nitty gritty details... No need. I thanked him for asking and pointed out that he's the only person who has asked me how I am in the last couple of weeks... and that opens up a whole can of worms and a bunch of entries and hours of agonizing and working through stuff that we're not gonna do right now.
Nobody, not a single person, has asked me if I'm all right or how I'm doing.
As a society - we don't ask if we know the answer will be bad. We will not genuinely ask someone who is obviously not okay if they're doing all right because we don't want to deal with it.
Furthermore, you get someone who complains frequently and you're even less likely to ask when they start to slide.
This just makes the slide happen faster.
Yes I stated, in a roundabout way, that I am someone who complains frequently.
Recognizing and admitting that I have a flaw is the first step in reducing or removing that flaw...
So while I sit around and nobody says anything, and nobody says anything when I mention how I've not been feeling well lately... it just solidifies the concept that nobody cares.
It doesn't matter how true it is, and it doesn't matter that I know it's not true and it doesn't matter that intellectually I understand exactly why nobody asks and the fact that many people just don't see... I get it. But it doesn't make the emotional impact of their apparent lack of caring any easier to deal with just because I understand it. In fact, the reactions of the people around me to my horrific depression just keep me submerged and occasionally push me a little deeper.
Depression is FUCKED UP.
People don't respond the way you need them to so you don't tell them and their response to your behavior that they don't perceive as depression pushes you deeper. You tell them and they respond in a way you don't want or need them to but that they think is helpful and it pushes you deeper. People often make depression worse in others and usually with good intention.
Then you find that one person who can help you through even the worst shit..... and she comes in and out of your life like cold sore... or turns out to be a back-stabbing bitch who tells total strangers deeply personal things about you and lies to your face.
So I literally have no anchor right now and am just floating serenely on this ocean of misery and hoping that eventually I smack into an island somewhere so I can get my bearings. There are people I can talk to and turn to but I never have in these moments before and I don't quite know how to broach the subject to someone who hasn't experienced this with me...
"Hey, I love you and my person just walked out on me. I know we've never done this before but I really just need someone to talk at so I can get things off my chest. Would you mind reading my super long Emails and getting random texts throughout the day? Could you help me stay grounded and remind me that I'm awesome. It's killing me, I'll walk you through it. Please help me not go insane."
It's not something I'm particularly comfortable doing and I almost completely lost it yesterday. Last night I went to bed super early... not that I feel better rested this morning... I don't... but I went to bed over an hour earlier than usual... I almost cried quite a few times yesterday.
I got seriously pissed off at my boss yesterday and his attitude is what's going to lead me to either quit or refuse to work with the other doctor. Scheduling things on Friday so the other doctor "has things to do" and knowing that everything scheduled - especially anesthetic procedures - is sheer torment. The only answer for me is that I can work the sister clinic... but that's inconvenient for the boss because then he has to open so never mind. But ha-ha we gonna laugh because now we keeping the other doctor busy and it's just FUNNY when I get pissed off. So yesterday I didn't bite. I got irritated but when he got that smile on his face I shut down completely and left the room.
He was antagonizing me with intent to piss me off because he wanted the reaction. Not only did I not give it to him... he kept trying and each time he was bolder.
Well I forgot to post this and yesterday was not great. At one point my Office Manager asked me what was up, I told him nothing... but a couple hours later-right before we went home for the night- I gave him a brief rundown, not the nitty gritty details... No need. I thanked him for asking and pointed out that he's the only person who has asked me how I am in the last couple of weeks... and that opens up a whole can of worms and a bunch of entries and hours of agonizing and working through stuff that we're not gonna do right now.
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